Cultivating Authenticity: Letting Go of What People Think

Welcome to Journal Entry #2! I have to say, working through some of this stuff via writing has helped already. I just feel a little bit emotionally lighter today, and I totally appreciate that. A family member sent me a private message after I posted my last entry, and brought up the importance of working on yourself through every life stage. I couldn't agree more. Thanks for being a part of this little journey.

Moving right along into some groundwork: This chapter in The Gifts of Imperfection focuses on authenticity, defined as "...the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are" (pg 50). Dr. Brown believes authenticity encompasses the "courage to be imperfect," setting boundaries, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, and exercising compassion with regard to the daily strengths and struggles we all face. She states that people who live in an authentic manner are able to nurture "...the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe we are enough."

Dr. Brown discovered through her research that speaking out and representing your authentic self is a big shame trigger for women especially. What she found really resonated with me -- it's something I definitely deal with, and I'm sure many of you do, too. I'm just going to quote it verbatim, because I can't say it any better than she did. The struggle to be authentic was described as:

• "Don't make people feel uncomfortable but be honest.
• Don't upset anyone or hurt anyone's feelings but say what's on your mind.
• Sound informed and educated but not like a know-it-all.
• Don't say anything unpopular or controversial but have the courage to disagree with the crowd" (pg 52).

I mean, being true to yourself ranges from difficult at best to a minefield of impossible contradictions at worst. I for sure struggle with the first two (luckily, in my daily life I am surrounded by awesome nerds so I'd have to try REALLY hard to sound like a know-it-all).

I have to admit, I am having kind of a hard time interpreting this chapter. Perhaps I am reading into things too much, but it seems as though Dr. Brown is encouraging us to speak our minds at almost every given turn in order to be authentic. But that's just not me. As stated above, I really don't like making people feel uncomfortable or hurt their feelings. This Midwesterner happens to think there is a time and place for speaking your mind -- perhaps at work and the Thanksgiving table isn't always it. I'd really be interested in your thoughts on this; it's an area I'd like to flesh out more.

Side note: At the end of the next few chapters, there is a challenge to "DIG Deep," which means:

• Get Deliberate
• Get Inspired
• Get Going

 You are supposed to be able to tailor each aspect to the theme of the chapter. I will share each of mine with you, and I'd love to hear what you come up with for your life in return. Here is how I DIG Deep for authenticity:

• Get Deliberate: I think about what I want to say. But I also err on the side of not saying anything to avoid conflict and offense. Authenticity is probably an area I need to work on. But I genuinely don't like conflict -- isn't avoiding it being true to my authentic self? However, when I do speak up, it is deliberate and I do own up to it.
• Get Inspired: Pay attention to how the people you admire handle discussions, debates, etc., but know when to draw the line for you.
• Get Going: I very much feel in line with what Brene says here at least: "If the goal is authenticity and they don't like me, I'm ok" (pg 54). I truly operate in this manner and have for awhile. So I don't feel the need to speak my mind every 7.5 seconds -- maybe that's ok and authentic for me. It's all a balancing act that I will hopefully figure out over time.

Do you struggle with being authentic, or do you have it figured out? How do you DIG Deep to be true to yourself?

Something Different

Hey All,

Long time no talk! I have to tell you: I have no space on my computer for more photos. I have an awesome recipe for a quinoa skillet I can't wait to share, but I need to figure out my storage issue first. Doh! In the meantime, here is a pictureless post.

Real talk: Buying a house has been a major time- and energy-suck. I finally got back into the kitchen regularly a few weeks ago. I made a kind of spur-of-the-moment decision to start baking sourdough, so I've been enjoying working the kinks out of that. Hopefully I'll be at a point to share my experiences with you all soon.

Another thing about buying a house: It's stressful for Type-A perfectionists such as myself. (Hi, I'm Cass, and I'm high-strung.) I'm very much an all-or-nothing doer; I hate hate hate leaving jobs and projects unfinished. Which you have to do when you are working on an entire house. Such external, overwhelming sources of stress (coupled with a few more personal stressors) leave me closed off and, let's say, rigid, mentally and emotionally. Two months of this has left me flirting with the edges of anxiety and depression. Recognizing the need to start to turn things around, I picked up a copy of Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection. I've been hearing of Dr. Brown for a few years but this is the first of her work I've really delved into. Her major focus of research is shame, and her findings stem from mountains of data from interviews with "wholehearted" people. I don't know if this book and the exercises within will be helpful, or if they will be like so much self-help mumbo-jumbo.

But here's the thing: Shame is definitely something that I find paralyzing in my life and it is something I need to tackle head-on. I figure, what better way to do that than to lay it all out there, completely out in the open? I struggle immensely with opening up and discussing my deep feelings -- this is something I recognize in myself. I already have a platform that anyone in the world can access. Maybe utilizing it will help me tear down some of those walls.

A few minutes ago, I took an assessment that Dr. Brown recommends called The Self-Compassion Scale. I did not do well. I scored a 1.99 out of 5.00. What a wake-up call that something's gotta give. So here's my attempt at breaking some things down: I've been journaling along with the questions and prompts in the book for the past few days. Tonight I will post my first entry, then I will continue with subsequent ones regularly.

Here is what I hope:

• I hope this will give me practice expressing myself and sharing my honest feelings.
• I hope this will give us a platform for honest discussions regarding feelings of perfectionism, shame, self-compassion, etc.
• I hope this won't be seen for what it is not: a cry for attention and empty platitudes.

Before I get to my journal entry, I just want to say that I hope to hear from any of you who may be experiencing something similar in your life. I'd love it if you commented, or if you have thoughts regarding this book or Brene Brown. If you got your own copy and followed along with me, I'd love that most of all.

Thanks so much for listening. Maybe there will even be food posts interspersed once I (finally) get my storage issue resolved. Ok, here is my first journal entry:

Shame Resilience and Story Claiming (8/14/16)

1. Who do you become when you're backed into that shame corner? I become flustered and incredulous that someone dare question me, call me out, disagree with me, etc. I become anxious and physically rigid. My pulse increases, BP rises, breathing becomes very shallow. I don't like myself in that moment. I wish I could just react better and just be a better, smarter, more articulate, well-rounded, whatever, person, perpetuating the shame cycle. In sum: I become anxious and defensive and it manifests physically.
2. How do you protect yourself? See #1. I become egotistical, defensive, an inflated sense of self. I close myself off so I don't have to fully face criticism, correction, hurt, pain, humiliation, etc.
3. Who do you call to work through the mean-nasties or the cry-and-hides or the people-pleasing? I pretty much only reach out to E. I'm too embarrassed the admit nasty thoughts to other people, unless it's a rare occasion that I'm talking to A or H. I definitely need to work on keeping up with more consistent relationships to have more of an outlet/connection. I've never been even close to a people-pleaser, so I guess I have that going for me, ha.
4. What's the most courageous thing you could do for yourself when you feel small and hurt? I could forgive myself if appropriate. I could tell myself it's ok. I could speak up/confront the issue. I could talk it out with someone I care about. I could address the issue with the perpetrator. I could decide if it's worth letting go and do so.