Cultivating Self-Compassion: Letting Go of Perfectionism

Well hello there. I'm so glad you could join me for my third post on The Gifts of Imperfection. I have quite a bit to say about this one so I'm going to just dive right in! This chapter is all about letting go of perfectionist tendencies and learning to be kind to yourself. In my initial post I shared that I scored pretty low on the Self-Compassion Scale, which was a bit of a wake-up call for me. I've always known I have a moderate case of perfectionism and could be hard on myself, but I had no idea to what extent or how my internal dialogue compared to other people. I knew I would need to dig deep and really start to sort some stuff out on the ground level with this chapter.

I need to say: Dr. Brown defines the hell out of perfectionism here. I'll do some brief paraphrasing for the purpose of this entry, but if this is something you even suspect is impacting your daily life, probably just read the book. This chapter alone is worth it. Every paragraph hit so close to home for me and really solidified that perfectionism is emotionally and psychologically harmful in ways I wasn't even remotely thinking about. Here is how Dr. Brown explains perfectionism:

 Perfectionism is not healthy growth and trying to be your best self. It is not about attempting self-improvement. It is a false belief that projecting a perfect life will help us "... minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame" (pg 56). It is a "shield" we use to keep people from thinking bad things about us. Perfectionism feeds into the notion that we are what we accomplish, and how perfectly we can accomplish it. This mindset is debilitating if it keeps you from living a full life because you are too afraid of failure (or even just not being "perfect" at something).

Perfectionism is so prevalent in my life that I have been letting my thoughts ferment for over four weeks since I personally journaled on this chapter. Because of what I do for a living, I think I will always have a struggle with perfectionism. It is not hyperbole to state that a patient of mine could die if I make certain mistakes. (Rest assured, there are levels of fail-safes built into our systems, but it is something that we are trained to remember to hold ourselves to the highest performance standards.) I now know that I need to compartmentalize and learn how to keep the occupational striving for a lack of mistakes separate from my ego and the rest of my life. I need to remember that working to keep my patients safe is completely different and removed from the psychological shield of perfectionism. And when I do make what are ultimately minor mistakes, all things considered, I need to remember to be kind to myself and to learn from them. Much... MUCH easier said than done, but more on that in a minute.

At this point, I think it would be most straight forward to tell you how I've been trying to DIG Deep since starting to mentally and emotionally digest all this information:

• Get Deliberate: I took the Self-Compassion Scale. My scores were pretty dreary, yet illuminating; to take a glass-half-full approach, I have lots of room to improve. Here is what I managed to flesh out from my results:
• Self-Kindness - Utilize Dr. Neff's Self-Compassion Break. Be mindful of negative emotions and channel kindness to yourself by speaking to yourself as you would a friend.
• Self-Judgment and Common Humanity - I think the two aspects mostly go hand-in-hand. Recognizing common humanity -- that we all struggle, often with very similar issues -- should make it easier to be less self-judgmental; they should have an inversely-proportional relationship.
• Isolation - Another aspect I think would be alleviated by common humanity: we're all in this together, so don't be afraid to claim and share your struggles.
• Mindfulness - Being present for your life and for your emotions. I know how to do this and why it is so important, I just need to do it more often. I am constantly looking for a distraction lately: food, Facebook, a beer or glass of wine with dinner, Netflix. Again, utilize available guided meditations and self-compassion exercises. Train the brain to hopefully make it habitual eventually.
• Over-identification - This one is less intuitive for me, I had to look it up. It is basically the antithesis of "true" mindfulness. It is the tendency to lock into thoughts and feelings. For example, if I make a mistake at work, I dwell on it for the rest of the day. It can ruin my mood. I "over-identify" with the shame of not being perfect. A much healthier way to handle this situation would be to take a moment to recognize how I feel, then practice self-compassion by being kind to myself and letting self-judgment go (because we all make mistakes). This is a very deliberate manner in which to grow self-compassion.

               I would like to take the Self-Compassion Scale again in six months or a year to see if/how my scores change, in order to gauge if I am practicing better daily habits.

• Get Inspired: I need to take cues from the people in my life who don't get shaken up by a mistake or when something doesn't go as planned. Remember that life is too short to dwell on unattainable perfection. Bend, don't break. Brene says, "... our imperfections are not inadequacies, they are reminders that we're all in this together" (pg 61).
• Get Going: Make self-compassion practices a regular routine. Listen to Dr. Neff's Self-Compassion Break while doing dishes, kneading bread, etc. This one is only five minutes long. I can spare five minutes a day to learn how to be nice to myself.
• I have also started to take "Get Going" literally. This process has given me a new mantra: Don't let perfect be the enemy of good. This mindset was really hard for me to buy into before. Now, I'm putting it into practice with a new exercise routine. I used to do Crossfit, so I am very much aware of what constitutes effective exercise. Once I stopped going to that gym, however, I just stopped exercising, since I know that you need a combination of cardio+weight training to really be in good shape. I was letting perfect be the enemy of good. I decided that some less-effective exercise is much better than no exercise, so I started Couch to 5k a few weeks ago. I'm not going to beat myself up because I'm "just" running and not killing myself at the gym anymore. I have committed to a goal and I am going to feel good about accomplishing it. Perfect is not going to be the enemy of good anymore.

Now, after all that sharing on my end, I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Do you struggle with perfectionism? Are you like me, where you didn't even realize how much you were struggling with it? Have you found ways to be kind to yourself? Have you done Couch to 5k or want to nerd out over running or other exercise?

I just want to say thank you for reading this post. It was a hard one for me to process and put into words, so I appreciate you hanging in there. And if you have any questions or comments, please feel free to discuss!

Something Different

Hey All,

Long time no talk! I have to tell you: I have no space on my computer for more photos. I have an awesome recipe for a quinoa skillet I can't wait to share, but I need to figure out my storage issue first. Doh! In the meantime, here is a pictureless post.

Real talk: Buying a house has been a major time- and energy-suck. I finally got back into the kitchen regularly a few weeks ago. I made a kind of spur-of-the-moment decision to start baking sourdough, so I've been enjoying working the kinks out of that. Hopefully I'll be at a point to share my experiences with you all soon.

Another thing about buying a house: It's stressful for Type-A perfectionists such as myself. (Hi, I'm Cass, and I'm high-strung.) I'm very much an all-or-nothing doer; I hate hate hate leaving jobs and projects unfinished. Which you have to do when you are working on an entire house. Such external, overwhelming sources of stress (coupled with a few more personal stressors) leave me closed off and, let's say, rigid, mentally and emotionally. Two months of this has left me flirting with the edges of anxiety and depression. Recognizing the need to start to turn things around, I picked up a copy of Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection. I've been hearing of Dr. Brown for a few years but this is the first of her work I've really delved into. Her major focus of research is shame, and her findings stem from mountains of data from interviews with "wholehearted" people. I don't know if this book and the exercises within will be helpful, or if they will be like so much self-help mumbo-jumbo.

But here's the thing: Shame is definitely something that I find paralyzing in my life and it is something I need to tackle head-on. I figure, what better way to do that than to lay it all out there, completely out in the open? I struggle immensely with opening up and discussing my deep feelings -- this is something I recognize in myself. I already have a platform that anyone in the world can access. Maybe utilizing it will help me tear down some of those walls.

A few minutes ago, I took an assessment that Dr. Brown recommends called The Self-Compassion Scale. I did not do well. I scored a 1.99 out of 5.00. What a wake-up call that something's gotta give. So here's my attempt at breaking some things down: I've been journaling along with the questions and prompts in the book for the past few days. Tonight I will post my first entry, then I will continue with subsequent ones regularly.

Here is what I hope:

• I hope this will give me practice expressing myself and sharing my honest feelings.
• I hope this will give us a platform for honest discussions regarding feelings of perfectionism, shame, self-compassion, etc.
• I hope this won't be seen for what it is not: a cry for attention and empty platitudes.

Before I get to my journal entry, I just want to say that I hope to hear from any of you who may be experiencing something similar in your life. I'd love it if you commented, or if you have thoughts regarding this book or Brene Brown. If you got your own copy and followed along with me, I'd love that most of all.

Thanks so much for listening. Maybe there will even be food posts interspersed once I (finally) get my storage issue resolved. Ok, here is my first journal entry:

Shame Resilience and Story Claiming (8/14/16)

1. Who do you become when you're backed into that shame corner? I become flustered and incredulous that someone dare question me, call me out, disagree with me, etc. I become anxious and physically rigid. My pulse increases, BP rises, breathing becomes very shallow. I don't like myself in that moment. I wish I could just react better and just be a better, smarter, more articulate, well-rounded, whatever, person, perpetuating the shame cycle. In sum: I become anxious and defensive and it manifests physically.
2. How do you protect yourself? See #1. I become egotistical, defensive, an inflated sense of self. I close myself off so I don't have to fully face criticism, correction, hurt, pain, humiliation, etc.
3. Who do you call to work through the mean-nasties or the cry-and-hides or the people-pleasing? I pretty much only reach out to E. I'm too embarrassed the admit nasty thoughts to other people, unless it's a rare occasion that I'm talking to A or H. I definitely need to work on keeping up with more consistent relationships to have more of an outlet/connection. I've never been even close to a people-pleaser, so I guess I have that going for me, ha.
4. What's the most courageous thing you could do for yourself when you feel small and hurt? I could forgive myself if appropriate. I could tell myself it's ok. I could speak up/confront the issue. I could talk it out with someone I care about. I could address the issue with the perpetrator. I could decide if it's worth letting go and do so.