Something Different

Hey All,

Long time no talk! I have to tell you: I have no space on my computer for more photos. I have an awesome recipe for a quinoa skillet I can't wait to share, but I need to figure out my storage issue first. Doh! In the meantime, here is a pictureless post.

Real talk: Buying a house has been a major time- and energy-suck. I finally got back into the kitchen regularly a few weeks ago. I made a kind of spur-of-the-moment decision to start baking sourdough, so I've been enjoying working the kinks out of that. Hopefully I'll be at a point to share my experiences with you all soon.

Another thing about buying a house: It's stressful for Type-A perfectionists such as myself. (Hi, I'm Cass, and I'm high-strung.) I'm very much an all-or-nothing doer; I hate hate hate leaving jobs and projects unfinished. Which you have to do when you are working on an entire house. Such external, overwhelming sources of stress (coupled with a few more personal stressors) leave me closed off and, let's say, rigid, mentally and emotionally. Two months of this has left me flirting with the edges of anxiety and depression. Recognizing the need to start to turn things around, I picked up a copy of Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection. I've been hearing of Dr. Brown for a few years but this is the first of her work I've really delved into. Her major focus of research is shame, and her findings stem from mountains of data from interviews with "wholehearted" people. I don't know if this book and the exercises within will be helpful, or if they will be like so much self-help mumbo-jumbo.

But here's the thing: Shame is definitely something that I find paralyzing in my life and it is something I need to tackle head-on. I figure, what better way to do that than to lay it all out there, completely out in the open? I struggle immensely with opening up and discussing my deep feelings -- this is something I recognize in myself. I already have a platform that anyone in the world can access. Maybe utilizing it will help me tear down some of those walls.

A few minutes ago, I took an assessment that Dr. Brown recommends called The Self-Compassion Scale. I did not do well. I scored a 1.99 out of 5.00. What a wake-up call that something's gotta give. So here's my attempt at breaking some things down: I've been journaling along with the questions and prompts in the book for the past few days. Tonight I will post my first entry, then I will continue with subsequent ones regularly.

Here is what I hope:

• I hope this will give me practice expressing myself and sharing my honest feelings.
• I hope this will give us a platform for honest discussions regarding feelings of perfectionism, shame, self-compassion, etc.
• I hope this won't be seen for what it is not: a cry for attention and empty platitudes.

Before I get to my journal entry, I just want to say that I hope to hear from any of you who may be experiencing something similar in your life. I'd love it if you commented, or if you have thoughts regarding this book or Brene Brown. If you got your own copy and followed along with me, I'd love that most of all.

Thanks so much for listening. Maybe there will even be food posts interspersed once I (finally) get my storage issue resolved. Ok, here is my first journal entry:

Shame Resilience and Story Claiming (8/14/16)

1. Who do you become when you're backed into that shame corner? I become flustered and incredulous that someone dare question me, call me out, disagree with me, etc. I become anxious and physically rigid. My pulse increases, BP rises, breathing becomes very shallow. I don't like myself in that moment. I wish I could just react better and just be a better, smarter, more articulate, well-rounded, whatever, person, perpetuating the shame cycle. In sum: I become anxious and defensive and it manifests physically.
2. How do you protect yourself? See #1. I become egotistical, defensive, an inflated sense of self. I close myself off so I don't have to fully face criticism, correction, hurt, pain, humiliation, etc.
3. Who do you call to work through the mean-nasties or the cry-and-hides or the people-pleasing? I pretty much only reach out to E. I'm too embarrassed the admit nasty thoughts to other people, unless it's a rare occasion that I'm talking to A or H. I definitely need to work on keeping up with more consistent relationships to have more of an outlet/connection. I've never been even close to a people-pleaser, so I guess I have that going for me, ha.
4. What's the most courageous thing you could do for yourself when you feel small and hurt? I could forgive myself if appropriate. I could tell myself it's ok. I could speak up/confront the issue. I could talk it out with someone I care about. I could address the issue with the perpetrator. I could decide if it's worth letting go and do so.